I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
