Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
