So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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