fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
