Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
