I saw his package. It spoke to me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
