why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
