sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
