I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
