I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
