I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
