You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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