this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
