found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
