At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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