Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
