Only a mothe r could love this liver
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
