I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
