I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
