This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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