If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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