it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
