i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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