I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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