had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
