Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
