I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
