you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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