Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
