i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
