yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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