does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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