we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
