Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
