When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
