im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
