Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We are all done wearing pants today
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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