ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
