I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
