when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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