She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
