Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
