I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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