If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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