Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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