People in love make me want to vomit
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
