Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You're a waste of cheezeits
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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