Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
