i cant cry in cvs. not again.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
