Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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