So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
