The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
