her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I need a hoe opinion
go on
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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